Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
