Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
