Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
