She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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