Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
