I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
