Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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