I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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