The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
