I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
40s are totally the cure
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
