i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
