At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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