Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
