Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
