I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
