just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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