Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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