Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
