I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
