i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
