You smell like a Billy Joel song
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
