Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
