Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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