is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
