I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
