3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
