Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
