i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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