All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
