i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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