i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My vagina is officially offended.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
