Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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