I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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