I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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