It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
