At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Say something about gay babies.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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