Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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