I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
