Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
