Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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