yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
