I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
