My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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