I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
