How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
