booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
