How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
