i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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