Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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