I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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